My Yearly Christmas Warning

I designated myself as the person who must give the yearly Christmas warning that so many people are unaware of. I mentioned it in passing last year, but I shall reiterate my point again this year.

Santa is a pedophile.

Right now you're going, "He is so full of shit" or "What the fuck is he thinking?" or "Someone got into the Lortabs today...", but hear my argument out before you judge.

First off he is a strange old fat man who caters only to children. Go google images for pedophile, I betcha 89% of the pics that pop up fit that description. Then he wants you to hop up in his lap and whisper in his ear what it would take for them to be happy. And he does this in a mall nonetheless. Eleven other months of the year, parents would scream pedophile and run like hell away from him. Yet for that one month a year it is perfectly acceptable.

Now think of some of the songs about him.

"He sees you when you're sleeping." So the creepy old man who likes to have kids on his lap is watching said child while he sleeps? What, is he sitting in the closet with rubber gloves and some KY?

"He knows if you've been bad or good." Once again, the sick son of a bitch is stalking your kid. He's probably got a satellite dedicated just to track his 'favorites' to see if they've been 'bad or good'.

But that's not all. You must leave a plate of cookies and milk out for him. You might think that may be innocent, but there is more sinister motives here. He uses the cookies to lure the kids to him. Then he heats the milk, a la warm milk toddy, in order to get them to fall asleep so he can have his way with him. I mean the man likes to go up and down chimneys, what does that say about him.

And the elves... don't get me fuckin started on the elves. The only adults he is around are little people? C'mon! I mean all he's missing is Bobo the monkey and he'd be Michael-freakin'-Jackson.

The moral of the story is... watch out for this sick pervert. Keep your kids away from him and check for cameras. Only you can stop this travesty from happening year after year!