Paranoia

 

The voices start to grow louder in the back of your mind.

At first they are mere whispers in fog of information overload, but as time wears on those whispers amplify more and more, before resonating as a shriek.

In starting pharmacy school it seems as if the world is yours for the taking. For years you followed the predefined path, reading the likes of Socrates and learning the detailed psychology of the human mind. And in arriving in pharmacy school, you feel as if you are finally about to reach your life's true aspirations.

And then a funny thing happens. That hopefulness, that strong desire for learning is slowly chipped away like waves crashing against a cliff. Eventually you become a shell of yourself, merely moving through the motions and responding to questions when asked.

Someone once drew a parallel to boot camp in the army, where we are all broken down in an attempt to rebuild our minds and internal processes as professionals.

But at what cost?

Those voices mentioned at the start of this post are the voices of paranoia. The overwhelming sense that, at any point, you will be labeled a failure. Not just in your mind, but in the minds of your family and your peers. For every professor that is there to support you, there is always one or more who seemingly relish in making you squirm.

So your paranoia grows. It consumes you. It dictates your actions in every aspect of your life.

Did I put my shoes on the correct feet this morning? Did I shut off the light in the kitchen? Did I sign my name correctly?

The latter may sound silly to some, but when your hounded about signing with proper credentials every week it is something you become acutely aware of. It is at this point that you realize you have been broken, reduced to merely a puppet in the confines of pharmacy school.

But it is at this point where you rebuild. The light at the end of the proverbial tunnel begins to grow and what was once seemingly impossible seems tantalizingly tangible. A question is asked about why oxybutinin causes dry mouth and, without thinking, you start describing it's anti-cholinergic properties.

Maybe you can do this. Maybe this seemingly unending and unnerving mount of information you have been presented with has, in some way, become ingrained in your mind. Maybe once you were broken, but now you have become what you have always wanted... a healthcare professional.

And slowly those voices begin to quiet, first down to a whisper before ultimately vanishing completely. In some ways you are finally mentally at peace.

Yet... you still feel incomplete. As if the sacrifices made you into a new person at the cost of who you were. Whether that is a good or bad thing remains unseen, but it leaves one with a tantalizing question.

Are we better off?

Lo Chi Pride

 

For the uninitiated, Rho Chi is the organization that rewards those who academically perform well in pharmacy school, and then grant them with acceptance into their prestigious organization.

When starting pharmacy school, it is presented to you as one of the crowning achievements of your academic career. It is only when you finally become buried in the life of a pharmacy student that you realize what an actual farce this is.

In my experience, those who are in Rho Chi typically don't know what the hell they're talking about in practical situations. Sure they can recite every side effect of lamotrigine and they may know proper UHF dosing guidelines in a patient with VTE or ACS... provided everything is answered on a scan-tron form.

In a real world setting, most often emulated via our case studies, these successful "methods" no longer apply. Therapeutic suggestions are aimlessly justified because of what it said in a slide. Or, even worse, they won't know what a specific agent is or does, as they merely memorized it for the exam.

These are the "elite" pharmacy students we are told we should strive to be. It is the first of many seemingly unimportant carrots that are dangled in front of us as burgeoning pharmacy students.

Yes, this is a generalization and there are several Rho Chi members who do not fit this mold, but it still does not change my belief on the illegitimacy of defining success in this manner. As practitioners, we will not see success because of our ability to remember minute details, we will see success based upon our ability to logically apply our knowledge in practical situations

So you know what, I'm damn proud to be part of Lo Chi.

I may occasionally meet the average for exams, and even more rarely exceed it, but at the end of the day I know that I will still be a damn good practitioner.. perhaps one better than those Rho Chi members.

For the rest of you exhausted pharmers, aching for the end of the semester I say raise a glass of your favorite booze/caffeinated substance and toast the recognition of the most truly glorious organization in pharmacy school.

Lo Chi Pride!

Dispelling The Myth About the Second Year of Pharmacy School

There are things that we are told growing up that make our skin crawl. Our parents speak of the boogey man hiding in our closet. Our friends speak of ghosts hiding in an old abandoned house in town. And our counterparts in pharmacy school speak in dire tones when discussing the second year of pharmacy school.

One person will say it's the most terrible experience of their life. Another describes endless nights of not sleeping in order to memorize materials. Professors will warn you that it will shake you to the very core of your being.

I'll let you in on a little secret... it's not as bad as they say it is.

Don't get me wrong, the amount of material is daunting, the wealth of examinations can be overwhelming.

At the end of the day though, it's not any worse than first year. Actually, I have found second year to be easier than our first year.

Part of the reason is that you cover topics in multiple courses. Med chem will talk about SSRIs, SNRIs, and TCAs, and then pharmacology will discuss those and then we'll have a lecture on the same classes in therapy. You are, in effect, exposed to the material in three, or more, separate courses, often with a slightly different perspective.

In a way, you are being tested on the material three different times and, eventually, you realize that you have actually learned said material.

Yes, there are shitty lectures that will leave you confused. Yes, kinetics is the STD of pharmacy school which seemingly does not go away. When you part the clouds and look at the year as a whole, it's truly not that bad.

Granted I have had to learn how to budget my time due to working and having a child. I'm not "missing out" on getting wasted every weekend like I have heard so many classmates claim so far. But with a little organization and a little budgeting of time, it is completely doable.

So for you first years looking forward to next year with a sense of dread, heed my advice... it's really not that bad.

Just be sure you stock up on a little Red Bull. Just in case.

Where Is The Passion in Pharmacy?

While struggling through my undergraduate years, what stoked the fires of my soul was pharmacy. I loved every minute of being in one and would do everything I could to absorb myself in the profession. My desk was littered with trade magazines, my computer flooded with pharmacy websites and even this little site here was born out of this fit of passion.

And while time was worn on and I find myself questioning that passion at times, it nonetheless is still flickering. The new fire in my life is my family, but becoming a pharmacist is ingrained in my being after my experiences these past ten years. It is, in many way, what defines me not only for myself, but for many of the people who know me.

So why do I not see this in my classmates? Why do I not see this in my co-workers? Why do I not see this in the majority of pharmacists, 63 and counting, that I have worked with over the years?

Where is that passion in others that drives me each and every day?

It is out there, fleeting as it may be. No matter where I have found myself, I have always had a pharmacist near by who truly cared about the profession. They saw what I saw, yet felt our hands tied in numerous situations.

My classmates seemingly go through the motions of school, jumping when professors say jump and barking when they say bark. Excitement is extruded over cute little informational clinics, the next frat get together, or the idea of an exam being over. We are tested on regurgitating classes of drugs, signs of a disorder and how to dictate a therapy.

Yet there is no passion in these discussions. For many, it's just more school... a means to an ends if you will.

Again, there are those who feel this passion, who want to see change or wish to envision pharmacy as something more than it is right now. Perhaps it is not as surprising that those of us have found each other to varying degrees as we, more or less, stand out within the class.

But we need more passion.

The disillusion in the profession still astounds me. Retail pharmacy is slowly devolving into a profession of puppets, only doing what corporate lays out for them to do no matter their desires. It is almost as if we are living in a George Orwellian 1984 and information is relayed in pharmacy doublespeak.

"Give more flu shots! Push for 90 day supplies! Obtain new patients!.... But we're going to cut your hours by 20%"

"Patient's are of the utmost importance to our business!... But you're going to be understaffed, only allowing you to spend a brief moment, if at all with them."

It is as confounding as it is frustrating. And I can completely understand why those who say they came out of pharmacy school ready to change the world, only to have their hopes and dreams squashed by reality.

My question is why give up? Why let that passion die? Why must so many pharmacists and students be so apathetic?

"Time is the fire in which we burn." - Delmore Schwartz

Above is one of my favorite quotes that I use as a reminder that our time is ultimately limited and that we need not waste it with frivolous activities. Live life and have fun, but do not waste it away merely doing what corporate says.

Find that passion. Fuel it and stoke its fires. Take that extra second with your patient not only to show you care, but to show yourself that you can do what you want.

We do not have to be pawns in a corporate game. We are professionals and we deserve to be treated like so. Stand up for what you believe is right and where you're passion for pharmacy proudly. After all, they can only ignore it for so long...

Be A Proactive Pharmacist

We are all disillusioned in the profession. Considering the majority of individuals do not believe in our national professional organization, I think it is fairly safe to use the term "all."

After talking with APhA for the last month, it is clear that they are aware of the problems we all face. They do, in fact, have some reasonable ideas on how to address them. What they lack though is the solvency to actually act upon them.

One of the most oft repeated phrases is, "Why don't the disillusioned pharmacists show us that they care?" and to be honest it is a valid point. So many have taken such a long drive down the cynicism trail that it's hard to look back.

After all, why put forth a concentrated effort only to have it soundly defeated? I know I feel that way on a regular basis.

But why don't we put for some sort of effort? If not to show to APhA and others what they're missing out, but to give us some pride within our chosen profession.

What I am about to ask is simple... actually it's borderline remedial. We are all extremely busy during our work days, some more than others, but this would take just a minute out of what little free time we do have.

Ask a patient what they think of pharmacy. Ask them if they know what a pharmacist does for them on a daily basis. Ask them if they've ever heard of something called Medication Therapy Management or outline services we could, but cannot currently for financial reasons, provide.

See what they know and see what they want to know. I venture that the answers may surprise you as they certainly have surprised me when I have done this.

As much as the countless pharmacy rants have bound us together over the last few years, perhaps this could do the same. We need hope... the profession needs hope in order for us to continue to succeed.

If you choose to do this, feel free to come back, or E-mail me, and share your response. As cheesy as it sounds, maybe we can make our voices just a little louder and a little more substantial.

It cannot hurt to try now, can it?

Who Am I?

For various reasons I decided it would be best to take the summer off from using my brain. This is the first thing I have written in over two months and, for the most part, I have remained as distanced from pharmacy as I can be right now.

After the last year, I felt a need to simply relax and spend time with the family. And as I look ahead to second year starting in a little over the week, I find myself asking, "Who Am I?"

One year ago I was overly ambitious, hell bent on changing the pharmacy world upon graduation. I felt as if I was here to right so many of the injustices we all live with every day in the profession.

Then class started... and work become overbearing... and the baby came.... essentially, reality set in. I'm still bitter towards my school and the profession after how the first year panned out. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll ever get that taste out of my mouth, no matter how much I try.

And if it wasn't for the wife or Lil Man, I doubt I would have survived.

But who I am now? All I want right now is to finish school, have enough money to provide for my family and spend time with them. Whether that's as the director of pharmacy for a large hospital or as simply the RxM at Walgreen's, it truly does not matter to me at the moment.

I would love to be able to find enjoyment in pharmacy again, to find that fire that used to burn so strongly inside of me.

And to find out just precisely who I am now... because I really have no idea.

The Pharmacy School Depression

You slave through several years of undergrad, study for hours and hours for the PCAT and finally earn your pharmacy school acceptance letter. To yourself you think, "I know pharmacy school will be hard, but at last my stress will be reduced because I've finally made it, I'm a pharmacy student!"

Alas this is not the case.

Sure, for the first few weeks of class you ride the wave of accomplishment, taking pride in earning admittance to a school few others enjoy. It's a wonderful feeling and ultimately you feel pretty damn good about yourself.

Only it will not last.

By December that stretch of unbridled joy will seem but a distant memory. Replacing it will be stress-induced insomnia coated with a bitter taste of self doubt.

One of the things that your school will not tell you, nor your friends, is how emotionally and mentally taxing pharmacy school is. If not for the material, than for the expectations of the school or the manner in which courses are taught.

You find yourself sitting next to a dual Ph.D. on one side and on the other sits the wiz kid who powered into pharmacy school riding a 4.0 after two years of undergrad. Suddenly you are no longer a big fish in a small pond... and you come to the realization that there are individuals, perhaps several, in your class who could mentally wipe the floor with you.

The first round of exams come and... they're not what you expect. Maybe you do well, maybe you do not, but you quickly realize these are not the same type of exams from semesters past.

Dozens of hours of studying and sleepless nights may yield a mere sixty percent on an exam. Material you thought you knew like the back of your hand vanishes under the complexity of exam questions.

Doubt sets in.

"Do I belong here?" you begin to wonder. "Did they make a mistake? Maybe I shouldn't do this... maybe I can't do this."

You moods became more variable as your patience wains. It's not common for you to suddenly snap at someone under even mild stress. Self-doubt clouds your mind from exam to exam as you scrape together the will to continue.

At times you do not think it will get any better. Friends speak of struggling during studying and exam taking, yet they proclaim earning an "A" while you quietly mumble about your "C". Socially you distance yourself as you internally chastise your inability to maintain pace with your friends.

You have the Pharmacy School Depression. Mentally you have been broken... perhaps you are merely a shell of who you once where.

The semester draws to a close and you feel as if you are on your last bits of sanity. Suddenly the tough facade that everyone else has erected begins to crumble.

The dual Ph.D. you sat next to? Barely scraping together Cs in a class... and wondering if pharmacy is for him.

The wiz kid? Can memorize the material, yet cannot figure out how to apply it in several courses.

One friend mentions how they almost withdrew from school towards the start of a spring semester. The other mentions that they scored well below you in some exams... only never mentioned it.

You come to realization that you are not alone. No matter what someone's intellectual pedigree may be, no matter how enthusiastic or how cocky someone will be, at some point they will have to face this bout of Pharmacy School Depression.

There is no escaping it. There is no denying it. For some it becomes encompassing and they do drop out. For others it becomes even more serious requiring hospitalization.

Yes, it does happen.

For those who survive, it is almost as big of an accomplishment as being accepted into pharmacy school. And as you walk out of an exam room for the last time, you look back on what this year has brought upon you.

Are you the same person? Are you better off? Or worse off? Can you still do this?

The last question is an easy answer... Yes. For you are not alone, and actually never were alone. We all suffer for with it, but few speak out.

So upcoming first year students, when you are in the greatest depths of self-doubt and despair remember that you are truly not alone.

We've all been there... whether we want to admit it or not.

Year One: Complete

First year has been over for about a week and it's only been in the last day or two where my mind is finally able to unlock from the "Study All The F'n Time" gear. Hell it wasn't until the third day after my last final before I was finally began to feel as if the stress of school was subsiding.

Funny how that works.

To say I am ecstatic for this year to be over may, in fact, be the understatement of the year. I have neglected this site for the same reason I have neglected everything else the last six months, I felt I had to. Without going into too many details, my school managed to completely rip apart who I am as a person and how I conduct myself both academically and personally.

It wasn't until very recently that I was able to shake off the scratches from that meeting prior to the start of the spring semester and finally be able to feel comfortable once again. Only time in my life I have ever truly doubted it and it frustrates me all to hell that it was induced by others.

So to those deans and profs who said I was unprofessional and would never survive pharmacy school, you can take my As and Bs from this semester and shove them up your ass.

As bad as it sounds, I have resorted to steering people away from my school on the basis of how I, and others, were treated in the past years. Call it my first taste of reality in dealing with egos if you will.

That being said, this place should become a bit more lively in the coming weeks. With rediscovered confidence comes a new-found desire to post nonsensical ramblings. Because honestly, that's what everyone comes here for right?

It's going to be one helluva a summer. And I can't fucking wait.

A Collection of Disdain

Oh woe is me.

That simple statement is the underlying theme of pharmacy school, at least if you ask people who are either in it or have recently escaped it. Little variation exists from person to person as while the verbiage may change, the tone does not.

As I slowly begin to rediscover my pharmacy mojo and climb out of this funk from the last few months I am discovering just how truly unhappy the vast majority of students here are. It is such a collection of disdain and frustration that at times it is almost overwhelming.

Even those who put on the most stoic of faces, are internally crumbling. Many are too proud to admit their struggles or to admit their frustrations. After years of being used to academic success, it is a bitter realization that one may be forced to struggle to earn merely average grades.

Nor will it become any easier. At least not yet.

And one has to wonder when this feeling will ever end. Honestly, I think the majority of success one has in this program is learning how to mitigate these feelings. Despite the pamphlets and the emails and the meetings, they never tell you one of the important tests you'll be faced with over the next four years. That is the fact that you will be mentally broken down and slowly rebuilt as the curriculum wears on.

It's the equivalent of academic boot camp.

But we mustn't feel sorry for ourselves. We mustn't drown ourselves in the almost sweltering pressure that at times seems unending.

For we are not alone. No matter what the surface may show, beneath it there is little difference. We're all in this hell-hole together, and we're going to be buried under it for a few more years.

So to hell with it I say. To hell with being overly stressed to the point of exhaustion. To hell with trick exams and impossible objectives. To hell with letting an academic program attempt to break me.

The worst may be yet to come, but I say bring it on. Because I'm taking this bitch on head on from this moment forward.

Who's with me?

When False Facts Are Factually False

As I walked into the pharmacy school building on the first day of classes, I was keenly aware that the next four years would be difficult. I knew that it would test every ounce of mental and emotional fortitude that I housed in my geeky little body. In the end, I would be challenged to grow beyond myself into something, hopefully, resembling a health care professional.
Heading to the first day of pharmacy school, I knew that the next four years would be difficult.

What I did not expect was for this road to be made so astonishingly difficult, almost in a sadistic manner.

You see, no one had informed us that professors routinely trick students in lectures and/or exams. That they'll present something as fact, but carefully phrase it in a way that means it is actually false.

Kind of like using a triple-negative to explain something.

When you use said fact and are told you are incorrect, they reply back that we must be acutely aware of how and what it is they say. Phrasing this way is to help develop a higher sense of thinking on our part.

Now how in the hell is that supposed to work? I busted my ass for six years only to be forced to endure another four years of deceptive learning? Leading up to a recent exam, our professor routinely exclaimed that we were over-analyzing material and that, "it will be incredibly straightforward, not requiring overly analytical techniques."

I'll let you guess what the exam was truly like.

And I don't get it. How are we supposed to adequately learn for patients if some of the professors derive some sort of sick pleasure from tricking us? Granted not all of the material is presented in this manner, but enough of it is to make you wonder how we can be taught in such an environment.

Now maybe I feel this way because I am an ardent believer in equality or maybe because I'm still young and relatively un-jaded about the world

Or maybe it's just because it's a steaming pile of bullshit.

I think I like that explanation better.

Hello Reality

This semester we have moved past the regurgitation of pre-reqs and are slowly delving into actual pharmacy material. It has been an enjoyable experience, for the most part, to start learning the information that I have been aching to yearn for several years.

Suddenly last night I was introduced to a small bit of reality. In discussing a question from our most recent drug delivery exam, one of the people in our group exclaimed it didn't matter if he didn't understand a particular type of question because it was just one exam.

I thought about that statement later that night, and about the question in general, and came to a startling dose of reality.

What we learn now truly does matter.

When you're an undergrad sitting in philosophy or British lit, you realize that what you are learning is really immaterial to your future. Sure it's good to learn about Socrates and maybe you can apply some of those learnings to your daily life.

In reality it does not matter if you remember who did what and a certain act. Call it disposable knowledge if you will.

Last night came the realization that, for the most part, that disposable knowledge is now gone.

The question the person in our group claimed to not care if he understood had to do with renal clearance for certain drugs. It's a piece of information that, may very well, prove to be highly important at some point in your professional life.

What we are learning now is the opposite of disposable knowledge, it is highly intrinsic knowledge that we will in some form be using for the rest of our professional lives.

It may seem like a meek or unimportant realization, but it's a stark one nonetheless. That thought provided the first feeling that this was more than just exams and labs... that we were actually learning something with a purpose.

And it was a pretty damn good feeling.

To Speak or Not To Speak

This may not surprise most of you, but I apparently already have a reputation among the other classes at my school.

Shocking, I know.

Through the grapevine I have discovered that I have been referred to as the "guy who doesn't take shit from the professors" or "the guy who brings the real world into class."

Kinda cool, wouldn't you think? Except I've noticed a slightly perplexing side effect to this. It seems, almost, as if I'm being blackballed by certain professors.

That big multi-year research project I had mentioned a few months ago? It's suddenly vanished, along with the regular emails from the related professors. In one of my classes, management class, I am regularly ignored when my hand is raised.

It's frustrating.

Which leads me to this question, should I continue to speak up? Should I continue to push the envelope in our classes in order to ensure my fellow classmates, and future pharmacists, have a truthful view of the pharmacy world?

The me of 2-3 years ago would keep at it. Now that I have a wife, a child and a burgeoning career, I wonder if this is the best course of action. This isn't a small, unknown little school and I certainly do not want to create a negative perception of myself as I enter the pharmacy world as a pharmacist.

And since my plans have changed in the hopes of attaining a particular residency, I really do not want to shoot myself in the foot anymore than I have to.

So do I speak up at every inane situation presented, at every fairy-tale story told, at the incorrect information we're fed? Or do I pick and choose my battles and straddle the line of appeasing both sides.

Truly, I do not know. It's part of the reason why I have been "freakishly silent", as someone told me, the last few weeks.

What good is having a voice if it only spouts negativity?

I suppose that is the ultimate question I have been asking myself. And honestly, I do not have an answer.

A Cavet of Knowing the Inner Details of the Profession

I have an exam later tonight on pharmacy systems. When we first started these classes I was ecstatic because, as some of you may have gathered, between my business background and my experience, I know how and why pharmacies work and function quite well.

I've studied CQI, the various ISOs and I've seen every flavor of community pharmacy (the main focus of the course) that there is. It should be a cinch right?

Nope. Not at all.

You see, I know too much. How can that be? I shall explain.

The first exam we had in this type of course way back in September was about the economics of pharmacy. I had taken many Econ classes during my undergrad and feel like I have a rather good understanding of the topic. On the exam though... that was another story.

I lost numerous points because either my thought process went beyond the scope of the problem, even though it was completely correct and that they did not define the scope, or that I understood the topic better than the TA who did not understand what I was saying.

It was immensely frustrating, and alas that has been the theme for the rest of the course.

Tonight's though could be far worse. You see, the material we have been given is, at best, five years out of date. Our text talks about the 'new' use of PDAs in health care, or how eRxs are going to take off.

One of our readings is an analysis of the functions of the pharmacy... only it states that one of the problems they recognized is that pharmacists do 95% of data entry and 50% of filling. The article is twenty years old.

For the most part, this isn't the fault of the course or the professor. It is such a fluid topic, that it is hard to devise a textbook or lecture set that is current. I completely and totally understand that.

But I will be going into a test today with the knowledge that I need to dumb down my answers. I can't sit down and study a lot of this information because I know it's wrong. It's a very unusual position to be in, and a very frustrating position to be in.

To state a quote that my wife hates, it is what it is... isn't it?

I'm Lazy

The overwhelming theme of this winter break? Sheer laziness.

I had a decent sized list of things I wanted to either do or complete over winter break. As spring classes now loom over my head, I have looked over that list and discovered I have accomplished little, if any, of them.

And honestly I don't really care.

The only thing that is mildly disappointing is not finishing the article I had started working on at the start of the semester. I think we can place the blame of not finishing that, and other things, on being a new father no?

I've been enjoying this funk of not wanting to think. I'm not really sure why as the fall semester wasn't overly mentally taxing, but hey I can sit on a couch and stare at a tv with the best of them now.

Of course the last two weeks has been, more or less, late night after late night staying up with the little guy which only propagates more laziness. It's impressive in the most disheartening sort of way.

Disheartening in that I hate being lazy. Channeling my inner nerd, I'm mildly excited for classes to start up again. I like being challenged on a regular basis, even though it may eventually frustrate and exhaust me.

Naturally this is a huge unknown as to how this will work with the baby and I do have an incessant fear of relying far too much on the wife. I really don't want to have to be a regular absent father during the semester, but I feel at some points it's going to be required.

In any case, in just a few days the laziness ends and the grind begins once again.

At least the wife will be able to drink with me this semester. Thank God for that.

The Real Point of Pharmacy School

Time is elusive... an almost mythical component of life. Often it seems as if it is plentiful, yet quickly it evaporates. Confused, you scramble around attempting to make up for it, but often it is too late.

Such is the life of a pharmacy student. Walls routinely collapse around you and part of the test is being able to survive and climb out of it. All the while you chase time... more and more time.

It seems as if we're being tested on our mental toughness as much as the material. And this makes sense, in the real world you do not work within nicely defined borders. Being adaptive and able to cope with stress in the face of adversity is one of the best skills you can develop.

Often I tell people the best thing you can ever learn is that you are can be wrong. For many it is a hard fact to accept as in order to reach this level of education you have to be egotistical and believe, to an extent, that you are mentally infallible.

Yet the opposite is true, we're all mentally infallible and in fact we may be more prone to it. Over confidence is predominate among myself and many of my classmates as a byproduct of the process in arriving here.

This makes it very, very hard to look yourself in the mirror and admit your faults.

I argued during my interviews that I was apt to not only be an excellent pharmacy student, but an excellent pharmacist because I have failed numerous times. Due to those experiences, I know how to control my emotions and develop a train of rational thought to overcome that failure. It is, at least in my mind, one of the best skills I possess.

Pharmacy school is about failure, whether they want to admit that or not. It's about not having enough time or struggling with material or actually failing an exam. We are not only learning mountains of material, but we are developing a mental toughness and agility which will be essential in our daily professional lives.

I wish there was someway to adequately explain this to many of my classmates. I know, and see, so many who are overly stressed out to the point where I wonder sometimes if they'll survive the next few years. Ironically enough I am almost certain one of my classmates regularly reads this little blog, so at least one person may be aware of it.

One test does not make a person any more than it breaks one. The light at the end of the tunnel, however faint, will eventually arrive, probably more quickly than we imagine.

So to all of you fellow first year pharmacy students who find them struggling throughout this initial year, heed this advice. Learn from your mistakes, but don't dwell on them.

Lastly you're not alone. We're all struggling in our own ways, even if we don't outwardly show it.

I will gladly crack a beer for anyone who needs to have a drink after this semester. Trust me on that.

Breathing, Peeing and Pooping, Oh My!

Depressing notion for the week... Walked into the library today and the librarian who's working the desk looks at me and goes:

Well hello! So nice to see you again!

I think that's a bad a sign. Or a good sign. Or... I don't know what the hell it means.

Alas, this is the fifth straight night I have been in this wretched little library. Tonight I am learning the intricacies of breathing, peeing and pooping.

Who said there's no glory in studying the human body?

Three more days and freedom awaits me... at least until the little bugger makes his initial appearance. As I sit in the study at night going over material, every time I here her move in the bedroom my blood pressure shoots up as I prepare for her to walk in and say, "It's time."

It's like a game of Russian Roulette, only instead of a bullet it's a small child.

Before one of our finals on Friday, a classmate of mind was bitching to me about how 'stressful' it has been studying for the exams this week.

Really? My wife is about to eject a watermelon from an area which seems like it does not have the space to eject a watermelon. Every time my BlackBerry flashes the LED colors signifying I have a message from her (BTW: if you have a BB, look up the app BerryBuzz. You'll thank me later) my heart flutters a little bit.

Pretty sure when it actually does happen, I will either hyperventilate, piss or shit my pants. Maybe all three, who knows.

At least I know now how precisely each process works. Although we never did cover birthing...

Big Fish in a Huge Pond

Pharmacy school, much like starting any new school, is all about adjustment. For the most part, you roll with the punches until you find your new equilibrium. It's a struggle at times, but eventually you come to peace with the new situation.

Only after that do you realize you see the elephant in the room and discover what is, for most, the biggest struggle to cope with.

Let's face it, if you're in pharmacy school you're highly intelligent. Chances are you did very well in grade school, very well in high school and very well during undergrad. You were the proverbial "big fish in a small pond."

Some people relish this fact and will consistently remind you of how smart they are on a regular basis. These are the people who came very near death during many of my undergrad courses. And I say that with utter and complete certainty.

In pharmacy school it's different. Everyone here is intelligent. For many the pond has grown so huge that not only are you not the big fish, but you very well may be completely insignificant. It's a fact which sneaks up on as you are completely unaware of this change.

In actuality, this alone may explain so many of the frustrations we feel during this first semester. When you're used to getting high As and being the prized jewel of the class, but instead you're fighting tooth and nail merely to get a C... well it's a sobering experience.

I imagine for some this new hierarchy will be exceeding difficult to follow. Already I have noticed some personalities within my class changing ever so slightly. Whether this is attributed to the Big Fish Syndrome or whether it's related to something entirely different I do not know. Yet it is there, clear as day.

So I sit here in the medical library and proudly exclaim that I am a big fish in a huge pond. Except I'm not just a fish... I'm a shark. And I'm gonna come back and bite some ass in the future.

One Semester (Almost) Down

I sit here plotting out my schedule for the next fourteen days. Finals are approaching and I need to develop a battle plan to not just survive, but conquer my upcoming finals. It's hard to believe the the first semester has almost come and gone. The excitement of being in pharmacy school wore off weeks ago, and now I find myself aching for finals to end.

To everyone who said I couldn't do all of this this semester, I have but one phrase for you: Go to hell. This includes my school's Academic Office and our class adviser.

My schedule for the vast majority of this semester consisted of:

7:20am - Crawl out of bed
7:50am - Drive to campus
8:20am - Hop on the campus bus
8:50am - Class
11:45pm - 20 minute break for lunch
2:25pm (5pm on Tuesdays, 6pm on Thursdays) - Class ends
3pm (5:30 on T, 6:30 on R) - Go to work
11:30pm - Get off work
11:45 - Get home, say hi to the wife
12:00am - Burst of studying
2:00am - Bedtime

And this doesn't include the 9am to 11:30pm shifts I would work on the occasional Saturday. Yes, for the first two and a half months of pharmacy school I averaged working 50+ hours a week.

Did it suck? Damn straight it did. Did my grades suffer? Not really. Am I glad it's over? Hell yes I am.

This semester has been hell. Luckily my wife has been awesome throughout this, which I mentioned a few weeks ago, and we have everything ready for the arrival of Phathead Jr in about a month.

I have cut back to a mere 33 hours a week, which is roughly what I'll be maintaining next spring. I've tested out of one class, possibly two, so my schedule will be a little lighter. There will be no rest during winter break with a newborn in the house, but I like a challenge.

People in my class and online ask me all the time how in the world I do all of this. Truly, I do not know. I think I've conditioned my body to get used to this sort of thing over the past few years. I'm probably one of the least stressed out students in my class namely because I've been through much worse.

In 2-3 weeks time, this semester will end and I can prepare for the spring. I will be a much, much better student than I was this time around, namely because I know what to expect.

Plus, look at it this way, only 1255 days to go!

My How Things Change In A Year

Roughly one year ago today I received notice from the first school I interviewed at that I was waitlisted. It was a crushing blow for me at the time, especially when the wife and I were hoping to have some idea of where we would be living a year from now.

To say I was unsure of myself would be a vast understatement. I said to myself, at the time, that if I did finally get accepted to a school that I would finally believe that I was destined to be a pharmacist.

One year later and I'm still unsure.

But think of all that's changed for me in the past year. I had a spat with the company I worked with for 6+ years ultimately resulting in me resigning and being unemployed for five weeks. I ended up being accepted to four schools all across the country and shortly thereafter I found out I'd be a father for the first time. And we got the cutest puppy the world has ever seen.

We moved to a completely new area for us, devoid of everything we know in the hopes of starting a new life here. A little over a month ago I suddenly lost one of the best friends I'll ever have. And here I sit, the day before Thanksgiving, scrambling to get in studying in case the baby decides to arrive early.

That's a helluva lot of change in one year.

Pharmacy school is what I expected and is not what I expected. I have yet to decide if it is something specific to differences in how they are doing things this year or if it has something to do with myself. In the last two months I have questioned if this is something I truly want to do more than at any other point in my life.

Yet, despite all of the change and all of the hardships, I still find myself proclaiming "Hell yes this is what I want to do!" It's more that this proclamation comes far and few in-between as of late.

And it's only going to get worse.

T-minus three years and six months to go...

Pharmacy School: Supporting SSRIs!

In one corner sits a person ashen faced, staring into nothingness. Perhaps a slight streak of drool traces their chin, but they are dead to the world.

In another someone sits face in hand, sobbing uncontrollably. Their body shudders with each stifled wail as on-lookers stare.

Yet another person is merely wondering aimlessly about the room. Mumbling incoherently, a kind passerby offers a consolation of candy and is greeted by an indifferent stare.

What is the connection between these three individuals? They're all pharmacy students!

If you want to discuss an up and down roller coaster of emotions, talk to your nearest pharmacy students. For every high you there is a stunning low which is soon to follow.

At no point do you catch your breath and often you find new depths to your own personal despair. It's like being punched repeatedly in the balls, helped back up, and then be hit in the same balls with a jackhammer.

And then be pissed on by a bunch of angry elderly women.

Truly, it's amazing. If I were in any other situation, I would think there is something mentally wrong with myself. Eventually, such as days like today, you reach this insanity driven breaking point when you incessantly giggle. As if nothing in the world matters and everything is hilarious.

And here's the best part... this isn't the worst of it. Not by a long shot. That threshold is still a year or so away.

No time to wallow in the depression tonight, yet another exam awaits a mere 38 hours away. And let me tell ya, I truly am excited... and by excited I mean three seconds away from bashing my head repeatedly into a wall.

Good times.