How I Almost Lost A Testicle

There is a rather well known story about myself that for some strange reason I feel the urge to share with nearly everyone I meet. Perhaps it is because I enjoy seeing people smile or because I find it funnier than hell myself.

When I lived in the dorms my freshman year in college we quite often became very bored. Sometimes this would equate to us finding random items and throwing them at each other generally to see who would puss out first. One day my buddy Mitch and I were tossing a combination of batteries and little bouncy balls at each other. During one such toss of the balls I decided to do some acrobatics and jump out of the way. What I didn’t realize is that caused my testicles to dangle freely in the air producing a nice soft target for said ball. My left testicle took the brunt of the impact and I was left in a heap on the floor. I spent the rest of the night in bed checking for swelling. There was none, still not sure if that’s a good thing or not, and by the next morning I felt fit for class.

About a month later my girlfriend and I were heading to an amusement park for the day. Afterwards we got ourselves a hotel room for the night to rest up after a highly exhausting day. When I awoke the next morning, however, I found I was unable to stand up fully erect. I could only hobble around the hotel room hunched over and bow legged. I thought I had broken something the night before which scared the leaving shit out of me at the time. Being the man I am, I trudged on pretending that it really wasn’t all that bad. We drove the two hours home, on a very bumpy freeway mind you, while I felt like my testicles were going to literally explode.

Now it may have been the blinding pain emanating from my boy parts, but my girlfriend finally convinced me to make a visit to the ER. Now if you ever have to visit a doc for something in that area be prepared for a barrage of STD questions. I mean shit, I swear to God he was trying to trick me into admitting that on the weekend I dress and drag and have orgies with midgets while wearing my high heels. Then he decided that I needed to piss in a rather large and intimidating container. Of course when I actually tried to fill the same thing I was walked in on…. Three times. The last time I wanted to look at the woman and ask if she wanted to help, but I was scared that she’d actually say yes.

He comes back and tells me he thinks my testicle has twisted around, like meatball in spaghetti, and may need to be removed immediately. Thus he states that I need an ultrasound. Now first remember that they keep that goddamn gel in the freezer, so needless to say when it was applied things shriveled up like the first time you took a shower in gym class. Tack on the fact that it was a 50-60 year old woman and it was one of the unsexiest experiences in my life. This woman was quite a charmer and I actually forgot she was playing with my balls. Sadly I did not get her number when I was thru. I will say it was quite interesting to see the insides of your gonads. Although I was disappointed I did not actually get to see any of my swimmers.

After my nut massage I went back to the exam room and the doc finally came back with a diagnosis: an infection of the epididymis. The epididymis is a tube which essentially connects your testicles to the Vas Deferens. Basically my nut was infected. The lesson learned is that when there is a traumatic injury to that… region… it can cause urine to go back up the urethra and cause an infection. Funny how you learn life’s lessons?

To top off the experience the doc turned out to be the twin brother of one of the pharmacists I work with. Made for a very awkward meeting several months later.
All in all it cost me several hundred dollars, none of which would my friend who caused this little experience pay for. At least I got to have my balls massaged, although I never did get that number..